Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Kepada Sahabat...

Assalamualaikum & Salam Sejahtera...

Bersempena dengan Aidil Adha, Hari Krismas dan pengakhiran tahun 2007 mengikut kalender gregorian ni, aku, Ahmad Raziz Bin Rashid, Karam, ingin menghimpun sepuluh jari untuk meminta maaf kepada semua sahabat, kawan, kenalan, dan kepada sesiapa sahaja yang garis hidupnya pernah bersilang dengan garis hidup aku.

Sepanjang perkenalan, sekiranya ada dendam kesumat berdarah yang belum dimaafkan, maafkanlah diri aku yang hina ini. Sekiranya tidak dapat dimaafkan, beritahulah kepada aku apa yang perlu aku lakukan atau menerimanya balasan untuk menebusnya.

Hidup di dunia ini singkat. Sehari berjumpa, esoknya sudah tiada. Sekiranya ada dendam yang pernah aku simpan kepada kalian semua, hari ini, aku lepaskan semuanya. Insya Allah. Aku tidak berkuasa untuk menghukum, aku tidak berkuasa untuk menilai, dan bukan hak aku untuk melemparkan benci terhadap kalian. Aku hanyalah hamba kepada yang Esa. Dan tidak ke mana aku selepas ini melainkan kembali kepadaNya.

Maafkan aku...

Maafkanlah...

Raziz

Monday, October 29, 2007

And Then There Were One...

Life so unpredictable...

What you wish happened in you life sometimes does not happened at all. Life is just full of surprises. I too, was blessed with this indifinite terms of coincidence. Well, for years, I certainly does not play with dice and certainly everything in life that happened before, happened now and will happen in the future is but an echo from what i did in the past. God has special way of putting our life in line and order. Sometimes the facts are much more fun and interesting than the fiction.

The 'Butterfly Effect' theory.

Do you believe it? One flap of a butterfly wing in California can cause a tornado in New Jersey. A thought that no one can believe of it at first. But everything in life is connected. The earth and the plant, the water and the air, the life and the death, the night and the day, and perhaps even you and me. We see ourselves as different individuals, but yet we live in the same system. A system that has been laid in front of us for eternity.

Is that mean we are bound by destiny?

Destiny, It's a big word to swallow by some of us. But remember, if a destiny is foretold before us, it will no longer be a destiny. A destiny must not be known before hand. It is for us to explore the possibility of our own ability. A man must know that he is for a purpose. If less, than he is no longer alive in a sense. I want my life to be with a meaning. I want my life to be alive.

And to fulfill that, i must live my life today that will lead me there. I cant do nothing to forge the future out of my own mind into a reality. The best i can do for now is to use the information that i have now to make the best decisions both for myself and others. What we do in life echoes for eternity.

For life is too unpredictable.

And in chaos, there is order

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Nikotintah.

Kali ni takde da post pasal mende2 yang tak berkaitan ngan aku. Kali ni post untuk aku gak. Saje nak tulis,takde mende lebih berpaedah nak buat. Pagi2 buta camni baik aku tidor jer... tapi mata berat camner pun takleh nak lelap. Surf internet jer la. Kepala pun dah makin serabut, kerja banyak lagi tak setel, tapi gaya rilek jer, nape ntah. Buat sakit kepala jer pun pikir. Macam yang aku slalu cakap ak, mende senang takyah pikir susah. Cakap pandai ah. Tapi, suka kot pikir susah... tambah sket level of difficulties dia. Hari ni brapa aribulan ah? 12 Mei, ari Sabtu. Tup-tap2 Sabtu dah. Hmmm...
Baru seminggu dok umah, rasa boring tahap muktamad dah. Mungkin aku ni dicipta bukan untuk duduk sajer tak buat ape kot. Ke mungkin aku saja nak pikir macam tu. Dengan bekalan nikotin semakin kurang, semakin lemau kepala otak jadik eh.
Bebudak lain pegi mana ah?
Ooo, diaorang dah kerja, aku jer yang tak abih2 blaja lagi. Esok lusa abih la. Ye tak? Aku ni menulis gaya macam berbual ngan orang jer. Bukan ada orang pun. Cakap ngan hantu macam Jangan Pandang Blakang. Jemput la masuk....
Dah mengarut abih dah ni. Esok Ahad, lagi jem. Tak tau nak buat aper. Baik tido jer. Tido, tido, tido, tido... Level of productiveness = sifar. Level moral = sifar. Kene ada sumber nikotin gak ni, baru otak jadik cerdas.
Dah seminggu dah kat umah. Tiap2 malam, tido tak pernah ada mimpi. Tutup mata, bukak mata dah cukup 8 jam. Tapi slalu gak ah melarat ke 12, 14 tak pun 16 jam. Dia memang setting nombor genap jer tido. tak pernah lagi nombor ganjil. Tido malam tak bermimpi. Rugi ooo. Mimpi masa tido lebih kurang macam adventure gak ah. Macam2 boleh jadik. Tapi bukan ingat pun, cuma bangun pagi tu rasa macam dah tido ah. Ni tido serupa macam kelip mata jer, baik takyah...
Aku rasa sebab tak cukup nikotin. Hipokrit gak aku ni. Kat umah bukan men lagi tak merokok. Tapi kat luar, naga pun boleh batuk kalau duduk sebelah aku. Tak pernah jari ni tak pegang rokok. Bukan tak pernah ah, tapi jarang. Logik sikit dak? Ikut la...
Seminggu kat umah ni la antara seminggu paling tak produktif skali dalam tahun ni. Langsung takda hasil. Kalau kerja2 macam tolong kerja umah tu takyah kira ah, tu memang wajib buat. Kang mak sumpah jadik bodoh kang, tak ke naya. Anak mak... Hehe.
Tak produktif ni maksud aku la kan, takde hasil yang aku buat untuk diri aku sendrik, takder aktiviti nak dijalankan masa cuti. Betul2 bercuti aku ni. Kosong. Empty. Vakum. Macam time aku kerja pak guard kat Putrajaya dulu.
Antara pekerjaan yang paling seksa pernah aku buat. Bukan physical torture, tapi mental torture. Mak aih. Tiap2 ari berperang dengan minda. Boleh jadik bodoh tak buat apa untuk 12 jam dok saja. Orang lain slalu cakap, alah.. duduk tak buat aper jer pun. Hah, cuba try test tengok. Boleh tahan ke dak. Cakap memang senang, buat baru tau.12 jam straight untuk sebulan, 30 hari, tanpa cuti. Lama tu jer aku btahan. Lagi lama aku dok situ, boleh gila gak. Tobat dah tanak kerja macam tu lagi....
Wohoho, ni dah tahap merapu gila dah ni. Menulis tanpa perancangan. Unplanned writings. Bagi nama yang sedap yang aktivitinya tak brapa nak sedap. Dah la tu, perut pun da lapar. Makan, tido, bangun jap lagi makan lagi tido lagi.
Paling produktif skali...

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Look & See

We see only what we wanted to look,
We turned a blinded eye towards those that we hate,
There's never an evil in those we love ,
but there's never a good in those we hate.
---
But, never to be surprise,
That sometimes,
The loved ones is the devil in guise.
---
And, pretend to laugh,
When the cold steele strikes shut the coffin,
The innocent were hung dead,
and the guilty roams free,
just because we choose to look,
but not to see.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

And the sign was shown...

Yesterday I had a dream...

There was I, stood alone on the side of the cliff. I can’t see the end below of me. I stood there long. Waiting for the breeze to help toppled me over. But it never came. I have never braved myself to step over cliff. I have already known what to happen. Am I so afraid as to dare myself to go over the cliff? Or am I stupid to even think about it. Even so, I still stood there, my legs are already screaming for rest. My eyes closed by themselves several times. But my brain refuses to shut down. I have always been a dreamer. I dream for things that may never happen to me. I dream for things that never to be real. I dream for the impossible. But today, the cliff which I am standing seems so real. The air that I inhaled was heavy. The sound of water slamming through the rocks down below wee faintly heard. It is real. I am standing at the edge of the cliff. As I looked around me I saw nothing. Not even a spark of life. I felt alone for a moment.

I am still looking around, and then I saw these goats. Yes, goats, with 2 horns, 4 legs and a stench far terrible than 4 days without contact with water. I saw them. The whole herd of them. They came from nowhere and start to graze around me. I looked at them carefully. As the time passed by, I thought of something. Something that sounds crazy. I want to be them. I want to be those grazing herd of goats. I want to belong somewhere. I start to chew on those grass, I felt terrible. So I stopped. Those herds start to communicate with each other. I mimicked them. But I received no response. I sit next to them. But then they leave me. Then I just realized. I cant never be them. And thus I leave. I went back to the edge of the cliff. Gazing downwards, looking at the never ending drop.

I am as I was before.

As I gathered my courage to make the jumped, suddenly my eye caught something. I looked carefully and I saw a tree. A big tree with a lot of branches. The leaves were pure green and the trunk was big and strong. I start to walk towards it. As I got closed then I just realize something. There was an old man sleeping in the shade of the tree. He was snoring quite loudly and sometimes murmuring something uncomprehandable. I gazed at the tree above me; it was large, much larger than what I first thought it would be. Suddenly a fruit from the tree dropped on me. Hurt me a little, but worth the reward for me. The fruit looked like an apple. Bright red in color. As I start my motion to eat the fruit, the old man woke up. Scolded me and he took the apple from me. He told me that it was not mine and it was his. I started to argue but I felt too tired. It was just an apple.

And I moved back to the edge of the cliff. Wanting more than ever to jump into it. And so I closed my eyes... by the count of 3, I shall jump...

And I started to count...

1...

2...

3...

Monday, February 19, 2007

Dari saat ke minit ke jam ke hari ke bulan ke tahun...

Agak lama gak aku tak update blog ni...
Ada ke orang nak baca kalau aku update pun... bukan kisah sangat pun sebenarnya...
Feb 19 2007, lagi 2 hari dah 21 feb 2007... Maksudnya aku dah masuk ke alam 25 tahun hidup kat atas muka bumi ni. 25 tahun sama dengan suku abad. Lama tu... 25 tahun. Bapak aku dah kawin pun umur 25 tahun. Kiranya ada accomplishment sepanjang 25 tahun hidup. Aku? takde pape lagi. Isk, 25 tahun ek... dah tua rupanya.
Kalau diikutkan la, kalau... ku bilang kalau... dah separuh perjalanan idup dah sebenarnya. Setiap hari bangun dari tidur, capai sebatang rokok. duduk sekejap atas katil. berfikir. hari ni ari apa. jam pukul berapa. terlajak subuh lagi ke? Sempat lagi tak pergi kelas? Lepas tu bangun dari katil, pergi kat pc tukar lagu. Ikut la lagu apa yang terlintas kat kepala ni. Ikat langsir dengan tali tag oren tu pas tu bukak tingkap seluas-luasnya. Seterusnya tangan terus mencapai 3 mende yang aku bawak pergi bilik air setiap ari, body shampoo, cuci muka ngan berus gigi. jalan la dalam 5 ke 8 meter ke bilik air. Lepas tu kalau nak buang air dulu, pergi la ke tandas. kalau tak terus pergi ke sinki depan shower tu. Lama aku tengok cermin tu. Cuba nak kenal siapa yang aku tengah tengok. Rasa macam kenal...
Hari demi hari rutin sama diulang. cermin yang aku lihat tu takkan bohong. kalau salah pun mata aku kabur lagi ataupun otak tak dapat fokus lagi. Cermin. Pantulan imej daripada subjek. Lagi lama aku tengok cermin tu, lagi lama aku fikir... aku ke tu?
Cepat betul masa berlalu. terlalu cepat. Nak berlari seiring dengan masa bukan perkara yang mudah. Kalau aku tersungkur jatuh, masa bukannya sahabat karib yang akan tunggu, tolong aku bangun, kalau berdarah tolong lapkan. Nak taknak, kita kena la bangun kejar balik masa tu. Kalau terlarat nak kejar.
Dalam al-Quran sendiri telah dikhaskan satu surah tentang masa.
'Demi masa, sesungguhnya manusia itu dalam kerugian.'
Dan jika al-Quran sendiri mengkhaskan satu surah untuk masa, tak dapat nak dinafikan lagi tentang kepastian kepentingan masa. Tapi ramai lagi orang tak dapat nak nilai masa, termasuk la aku sekali.
Sun Tzu pun ada cerita pasal masa.
'He who conquers time conquers all'
Kita pun pernah terperasaan yang kita ni banyak masa, takde masa. Lumrah. Tapi apa itu masa? Satu entiti yang bergerak, tapi tidak dapat dilihat. hanya bergerak dalam satu garisan yang lurus, dan tidak berpatah balik. Tidak ada satu perkara pun yang akan sama pada setiap detik.Udara yang dihela tidak sama pada setiap kali. Sentiasa bergerak meninggalkan kita semua terpinga-pinga.
25 tahun... sekejap je rasanya.
'There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven–
A time to give birth, and a time to die; A time to plant, and a time to uproot what is planted.
A time to kill, and a time to heal; A time to tear down, and a time to build up.
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; A time to mourn, and a time to dance.
A time to throw stones, and a time to gather stones; A time to embrace, and a time to shun embracing.
A time to search, and a time to give up as lost; A time to keep, and a time to throw away.
A time to tear apart, and a time to sew together; A time to be silent, and a time to speak.
A time to love, and a time to hate; A time for war, and a time for peace.'

Yang berbisik halus

Aku berbisik halus
mereka melihat kamu
dengan satu perasaan benci
dikhabarkan kepada semua

Aku berbisik halus
kenapa diagungkan
semalam yang lepas
hari ini engkau difakirkan

Aku berbisik halus
cerita dalam kelambu
hanya kelambu menjadi saksi
disingkap sebalik malam

Aku berbisik halus
pada siapa yang dengar
lihat mata sekitar
rusuk serapat tubuh

Aku berbisik halus
darah yang mengalir
di belakang tubuh
bukan kerana musuh

Aku berbisik halus
ingin kenal siapa
yang boleh
berbisik halus


-Karam-